Tired of Tea Leaves and Tarot? Spice Up Your Superstitions With Burbank Gutter Fruit!
For centuries, humans have placed magical significance upon terrestrial and celestial happenings. They have looked to the stars for answers to life’s biggest questions- “When will I find true love?” “Why do I feel like shit all the time?” “How can I gaslight my wife into thinking Mercury made me cheat on her?”
Savvy Southern Californians are turning away from horoscopes and crystal balls, instead opting to interpret their challenges through the lens of what is right in front of them- fallen fruit in roadside gutters.
Read on to see what each citrus sighting says about your fate!
A single pristine lemon
Congratulations, you have your shit together! Much like this little pop of perfection, you are a winner, a bright spot in the lives of your friends and family! Keep doing you!
A fresh, half demolished orange
Things aren’t working out the way you planned, are they? Bills are piling up, you haven’t showered in a week, and of course that hottie from the coffee shop never texted you. Don’t worry, in two weeks you’ll be fully sucked dry of all will to live!
Orange peel, face up
You’ve been feeling a little empty recently. That’s ok, it happens to everyone! It’s time to take a risk and bare it all! When you see the inside of an orange peel, it is a sign to open up to others and show them what’s going on inside you!
Orange peel, face down
So you opened up to others and showed them what’s going on inside you, and they hated it. Retreat! Hide! Bury your inner truth and do your best to blend in with everyone else!
A confusingly split banana
Much like Hannah Montana/Miley Stewart, you feel like you’re living a double life. You need to pick one, ok? Maybe get your highlights retouched while you’re at it.
A rotten roof grapefruit
The apple doesn’t fall far from the tree, does it? Neither did you, my little grapefruit. It’s time to examine your mommy and daddy issues, and roll right off that roof before you become just like your parents.
A plastic strawberry
Sorry to break it to you, but your lip fillers don’t look as good as you think they look. No, that gloss doesn’t help.
